


Often I Am Upset That I Cannot Fall In Love

by theshoeboxqueen



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Aromantic Character, Asexual Character, Author's first work, Character Study, Gen, Internalized Acephobia, Internalized Arophobia, Yes you read that right, acearo author, aroace jester, me projecting onto jester for 1000 words, this is so self-indulgent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:07:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24011056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theshoeboxqueen/pseuds/theshoeboxqueen
Summary: Jester has always been in love with love.
Comments: 12
Kudos: 53





	Often I Am Upset That I Cannot Fall In Love

**Author's Note:**

> Heyo this is literally my first piece of fanfic ive posted publicly ever in my life. I saw a deficit of aroace jester content so i wrote it myself!!!! not betad or even edited you have been forewarned. there are probably many typos and capitalization errors but this a is fanfic not a peer reviewed academic paper and i am very lazy.

Jester has always been in love with love.  
From hearing her mama tell her stories about her father, to reading as many romance books as she could get her hands on, the idea of love, of caring about someone so much that you know you were just meant to be together? It made her heart sing.

When Jester met Fjord, she thought “This is it. This is my grand romance” but as time wore on, she found that while she did care about Fjord a lot, she might even say she loved him, it wasn't that kind of love. She didn't imagine him sweeping her off her feet and walking off into the sunset hand in hand. The moments with fjord that felt right were the quiet ones, where they talked to each other about anything. It was the same way she felt about every member of the Mighty Nein. even as she tried to imagine kissing him, it either felt silly or strange. It was always wrong. For a while, she noticed that she was really enjoying spending time with Beau, and the little voice in the back of her head said “maybe this is the one.” but as hard as she tried to crush on beau, it just never happened. In fact, looking back on her life, she couldn't remember crushing on anyone. Maybe romance needed sex? Did she want to have sex with anyone? She didn't think so. She knew that people were attractive, sure, but knowing that her friend Yasha was sexy as hell and could throw jester’s not inconsiderable weight an impressive distance didn't translate to actively wanting to have sex with her. For some reason, though talking about sex in a general sense didn't really phase her, and she enjoyed reading about sex and romance concerning other people, trying to imagine herself in that position always just felt… wrong.  
As much as sex and romance occupied her thoughts, it seemed that no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't love people that way. The realization hit her like an axe to the skull. She would never have a grand romance or beautiful love story, and it wasn't because she was unlovable, it was because she was unable to love. There must be something wrong with her. She wanted a romance so badly, but she was incapable of having one herself.  
When the Mighty Nein next stopped over in Nicodranas, Jester needed to talk to her mama.  
“Mama?” jester knocked on the slightly open door and stuck her head in the room.  
“Come in, my little sapphire” Marion's voice was warm as she greeted her daughter, setting aside the book she had been reading to sit up and pat the covers of her large four-poster bed, inviting Jester to sit. She sat down and chewed her lip, not knowing how to say this. What would she say? Would she understand? Could she help?  
“What is it, Jester?” Marion asked, seeing her daughter’s trepidation.  
Jester looked up, and as soon as she made eye contact with her mother, she started bawling.  
“Oh mama, there is something wrong with me!” she sobbed, falling into her mother's arms and letting herself be held. “I don't love anyone, and no matter how hard I try, I just can't do it! I don't want to have sex with anyone either, and I don't know how to fix it!”  
Marion immediately hugged jester to her chest and began petting her hair. “Jester, dear, there is nothing wrong with you,” she said softly  
“But there is, mama!”  
“Jester, not everyone wants to have sex and fall in love, its not necessary for life,”  
“But I do want to, mama! I do want to fall in love with someone! just can't!” Jester pulled back and looked her mother in the face.  
Marion cupped Jester’s cheek. “Jester, my darling girl, do you love your friends?”  
What a ridiculous question jester thought, of course I love my friends. She thought of late nights staying up talking to Beau, or sitting and talking to Yasha, who was such a great listener. She thought of shopping and gossiping with Caduceus, and Fjord trying to stop her from getting into trouble by pulling pranks. “Of course I love them,” she sniffled, “I love them more than anything.”  
“then, see?” Marion said, “you can love. You care so deeply for your friends and I know that they care for you just as much. There is nothing wrong with you”  
“But I’ll never have a grand romance like in my books,”  
Marion laughed “no one has a romance like the books, darling. Those things are always better in fiction than in reality.”  
“Really?”  
“Of course. Love is messy, and complicated, and it is a lot of hard work, romances and friendships and all those other loves alike.”  
“But what about sex?” Jester asked.  
Marion laughed. It was a lovely sound.“That is something that is much, much better in fiction than in real life. You can trust me on that.” Marion gave her daughter a knowing grin.  
“Oh.”  
“Yes, “oh,” my darling little sapphire, there are many many people in this world who have no desire for sex or romance, and they lead lives that are just as fulfilling as anyone else. Sex is like…. It is like…. Sex is like skiing.”  
“Skiing?”  
“Yes, skiing. Some people love it, some people hate it, and some people just want to sit in the chalet and drink cocoa. It's just something people do, and it's not something extra special that you're missing out on by not doing it”  
Jester thought about this for a moment. “Are you sure?” she asked.  
Marion smiled, “Darling, if anyone would know, it's me.”  
Jester figured that she was probably right, like usual, and tucked herself into her mother’s side, and for the first time, began thinking about a life that didn't involve a romance at the center of it. She imagined sharing time with her friends, and doing work for the Traveler, and at the end of the day coming home to her own bed and her romance books. She didn't know if she was entirely comfortable with this yet, but it was a start.

**Author's Note:**

> the skiing metaphor is one i have used in real life to explain my asexuality and aromanticism. also skiing is part of exandria now because it was convenient for ME, MATTHEW  
> title is fromm "home" by cavetown


End file.
